without a pulse
by justanotherfantasticnobody
Summary: elena just became a vampire and as if she isn't confused enough with her own emotions, she has to take on a whole new lifestyle. a lifestyle she is not particularly thrilled about living. both stelena and delena. elena's point of view, and feelings throughout the whole ordeal.
1. Chapter 1

**I know it seems team Stelena in this chapter, it does have both ships, but it's really just Elena's story.**

_I understood. I understood why he did it. _

_ I had asked him to, that's why he did it. I didn't blame him for anything. _

_And I am so grateful that matt had survived. He's the closest thing to family I have left._

_ Stefan left me, because I asked him to. I wanted him to. I needed him to. I don't regret it either. _

_ I understood why he did it. _

_He did it for me. _

_I don't think that Damon would have done that. He's not like Stefan; he doesn't respect me or really WANT me to be happy. He would have saved me only because HE couldn't have lived without me, because he's selfish and reckless and impulsive. And that is just the opposite of what love should be. _

_But that doesn't always mean that's not what it is._

_But Stefan. I know I love him. I love him to the ends of the earth, and I will keep on loving him as long as forever can count, and further than that still. I Know I should tell him that, but I think he knows it already. _

_He loves me too, I know. He told me so. That's why he did it. And that's why I know he did it. _

_Because I know, when you love someone they are your reason and your life, but in truth, all fulfillment can be found in a smile upon their face. That's why Damon selfish. He loves me, I never doubted that, but the only thing that matters to him is my survival. All because HE needs me, not because he cares._

_Stefan saved matt. And I died. _

_But none of that matters. What's done is done. The question was always: Would I live? Would I die? And now the answer is neither. The inevitable, that I wonder how we avoided for so long, has become. I am a vampire._

_I am a vampire. Elena, that was my name. I suppose it still is, or could be. But I'm just not her anymore. She's been dead for years. But she just found an excuse to stop breathing. _

_Elena Gilbert. My Name. My Story__. _

I woke up fast. Really fast. Like when you're woken from a really deep sleep. But no, I was dead?! I had been dead.

Air rushed into my lungs, but it didn't feel like it was supposed to feel. It didn't flow like it should; it tripped over itself tumbling down my throat in a ragged current. I gasped and panted, but it still felt funny.

I noticed Stefan and Damon had rushed to my side. Stefan knelt beside my bed and had taken my hand in his, while Damon on the opposite side, kept his distance.

Wait was I in a bed? No, this was a stretcher. Where was I? I looked around, until I realized. The Morgue? Yeah, This was the morgue.

"Elena, are you okay?" Stefan asked. I looked at him blank.

"Yeah? I don't know." I just felt strange. Like completely wired but so disheveled. Like the world around me was completely different. Like I was seeing it for the first time. It was all so complex, everything was enhanced and it was all so confusing. It was like a kids puzzle that you feel stupid because even you just can't get the pieces to fit.

Wait a second. Matt.

"What about matt?" I blurted out. "Is he okay?" I turned completely to face Stefan.

"Yeah, Elena. He's fine." Stefan assured. He stood up a little bit and took my face in his hands. "Look at me," So I did. I think I knew what was happening. I didn't know how, but did it really matter? Of coarse not. Because I knew I was a v-

"Elena," Stefan said. "You had… Well Elena." His voice cracked like he was on the verge of tears. "You had Vampire blood in you-." I reached up to his hands that were on my face to comfort him. "Elena, You're a vampire." He said in what I knew was the most comforting way he could.

I just looked at him, though about to cry myself I couldn't help noticing… He looked damn good. Like REALLY GOOOOD! I just wanted to kiss him. I remember thinking when he came to save me and I was dying, all I really wanted was one real lasting goodbye-kiss. So I kissed him. I kissed him like I had never kissed anyone before. It was kind of short, and it wasn't rushed or lust filled. But it was nothing short of passionate. There was a little bit of tongue on my part, but I really just wanted to be close to him. Our lips moved against each other, locking and pulling apart to dive back in. he had put his hands around my waist, as mine ran through his hair. It went on for about thirty seconds. We pulled apart and he returned his gaze to my eyes.

"I just…" I stammered, as if I had a need to explain myself. "I just really wanted to do that." I said, almost as if it were a question. The corners of his mouth lifted into, what I assumed was attempting to comfort, but in reality was anything short of a real smile. He pulled me into a hug and cradled my head to his chest. I could tell, he mouthed something to Damon. I didn't know what it was but in a few seconds a disgruntled Damon trudged out of the room.

Wait. Just pause.

I was a vampire. A Vampire! This was not okay, and as if reading my thoughts Stefan planted a kiss on my forehead and whispered to me,

"Everything's gonna be okay."

But it wasn't.


	2. Chapter 2

"No, it's not." I choked out. I was completely soaking his shirt with my tears. I pulled back and looked at the stain I had created. Suddenly, it came to me that all my friends might not know.

"Stefan, is Jeremy here? Does he know? Do Caroline and Bonnie know?" I stuttered, nervously, while Stefan couldn't get a word in edge-wise "Where is every one? Are they here? I'd like to talk to them." Stefan placed a hand on my knee, soothingly.

"Jeremy's on his way, and so is Bonnie. We left a message on Caroline's phone but so far she hasn't responded." I wanted to see Jeremy

"Hey," He placed a hand on my face. "Is there _anything_ you need?"

My eyes witch had been fixed on the tile-floor, looked up into his. I searched his eyes for comfort, but all he had; he'd already shared with me. He'd asked me if I needed anything.

I did.

I was hungry. I was really hungry.

"No," I lied. I stood up from the stretcher, but my knees were to weak, I would've collapsed, had Stefan not been there to help me.

"You okay?" he asked, as he put me back on my feet.

"No." I said plainly, as I tentatively put my weight back on my own feet.

Once I was stable, I sprinted to the door. I wanted to see Jeremy.

"Elena, wait!" Stefan called after me. I ran down the hall towards the elevator. I had reached it, when a strong familiar hand captured my wrist and pulled me to his side.

"Let go of me, Damon."

"Elena, this is a hospital." He argued.

"I know that Damon."

"There is blood every where. Your body will be pushing you to feed, and you won't be able to fight it."

"I just want to see Jeremy." I cried out.

"He'll be here." Stefan said, coming up from behind me, and putting a hand on my shoulder. I kept staring at Damon. He looked sad. I wish that I could tell him everything I needed to. I needed to tell him I'm sorry. I don't care for him any less than I ever did. It shouldn't be a problem that I chose anyone over him, because the important thing is that he matters to me. And I care about him.

As if I don't have enough problems, now I have to be a vampire. I just wanted to see Jeremy. A million thoughts were running through my head but by far the most prominent one was Jeremy. I just wanted my brother. I just wanted him to hold and I wanted to feel his arms around me. Even if he didn't always know what to say, he was always there. I'm pretty sure he's the only thing on the planet that I just couldn't live without.

I knew I had to complete the transition. I didn't know if I wanted to, but I just had to do it. I had to do it for Jeremy.

"I'm so hungry!" I shouted all of a sudden. I didn't even know that I had been thinking about it. Stefan and Damon shared a concerned look before turning their attention to me and giving me sympathetic smiles. I wanted to roll my eyes, they were being ridiculous. It's not like we've never seen a vampire before.

The elevator noise made a ding, and a little woman with dark, tender looking skin walked out pushing a stretcher, with a white sheet covering what I'm sure was a corpse. She smelt like hamburgers. Like really good hamburgers.

_Oh shit,_ I thought. My gums hurt. I turned towards the wall and covered my mouth. Stefan put a hand on my back, and pulled my face to his chest. I started crying again, while Stefan held me tight.

Damon let out a heaving sigh, and headed towards the elevator.

"Wait, where are you going?" I asked between sobs, turning away from Stefan.

"I'm going to get Jeremy."

"I'm coming with." I said trying to fight Stefan's grasp on my hips.

"No." he said before the elevator doors closed, in perfect timing. Stefan pulled me back to himself, and reluctantly, I gave in. I crashed my head into his chest, and let my tears coming streaming. He smoothed my hair to the back of my neck, and opened his mouth to speak.

"I know this is the last thing you want to think about, but we don't have a lot of time." He pulled back and looked me in the eye. "Have you thought about what you're going to do?" he asked.

"I don't know. I mean I have to. I can't leave Jeremy all alone, but…but I don't want to be a vampire Stefan." Said while trying to blink back tears, so I could speak.

"I know, Elena." He said pulling me back in for a hug. "I can't tell you what you should do." He said resting his chin on my head. "But, you should do what _you_ want to do. And shouldn't let any one else impact your decision." He said wrapping his arms full around my waist. I closed my eyes and let a plethora of tears fall.

We stood there for what seemed like years waiting on Damon and Jeremy, until finally the elevator let out another ding. Damon walked out and Jeremy followed. I ran into Jeremy's arms, once he had exited the elevator. He held me tight, and kissed the top of my head.

"I was so worried, about you." He whispered. He let his head drop to my shoulder, and whispered even quieter, "I love you." I sighed and buried my face into his shirt. "So, what are you gonna do?" he asked, silently.

"I don't know." I answered truthfully. "I never wanted this, but…" I staggered pulling out of our hug to look at his face. "But, I can't leave you." I said.

"No, listen Elena, this is a hard enough decision to make anyways. Don't let anyone else play a role once you do " He gave, determined.

This changed everything. So… now what do I do. He was right it is a hard enough decision to make. I don't know. I just don't know.

Damon cleared his throat "Well, we should probably get you home."

"Well, why did he have to come down here, if were just going to go back home?"

"Because he didn't want to wait 'till closing time. " He answered showing me his watch. It said it was about midnight.

"Hospitals have closing times?"

"Just this wing." Damon steered us all back into the elevator. Jeremy kept a firm arm around my waist. And I rested my head on his shoulder. The elevator reached our level we walked out of the elevator and through the hospital doors. We found Damon's car and all climbed in. We were on our way home.


	3. Chapter 3

Stefan walked me up to my room. He even helped me change into my pajamas… I had asked him to my clothes were still a little damp and stuck to my skin a little to much for my hyped-up sense's liking…well it's not like it's anything he hasn't seen before. He put me in my bed and tucked the covers in around me. He shyly leaned in and planted a kiss on my forehead. I leaned into his lips, and he lingered there for a long while. I put my hands against his face and trailed them down his shoulders, until our fingertips met. I felt so safe with him. It was just so right and warm and I genuinely felt like everything would be okay as long he was there. And as long as he was loving me. I pulled back slightly to look in his eyes. My gazed trailed down his beautifully sculpted face and settled on his lips. His perfect lips. I looked up again to meet his eyes. His perfect green eyes. Everything about him, it was all perfect. _Yeah,_ I thought. _This is just what love should be._ He stood up, about to walk out but I grabbed hold of his hand. I didn't know what I was going to say.

"I don't want to complete the transition Stefan." I said breaking into tears. God, I was so sick of crying… why was I crying so much? He squeezed my hand and I could tell he was on the verge of crying as well.

"I know," He said. And he walked out.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxx**

I was in my room, listening to Stefan and Damon argue downstairs. I heard a knock on the door, and Jeremy walked in, keeping the door half closed.

"You have visitors." He said smiling, and holding the door open. I saw Bonnie and Caroline, walk through the door. Bonnie stood reserved next to Jeremy but gave me a genuine smile, whilst Caroline ran into my arms.

"Hey," she said, with her face buried in my neck.

"Hi," I said as I pulled out of the hug to look at her.

"Are you okay?" she said as tears ran down her face. Looking me over as if to see any damage done.

I started to nod and give a fake smile, but a sob broke through and I just couldn't lie to her.

"No," I said shaking my head, and the tears came streaming. As she gave a sympathetic look and pulled me back in for a hug.

"I'm so sorry." She said rocking me, and cradling my head. I was so tired of crying. I felt like the tears just kept coming and I didn't know why. I heard more footsteps, outside my door and I pulled away from Caroline again. Matt walked, tentatively through my door. I ran up to him and fell into his arms. He held me tight against his chest, and I could hear him crying. He pulled back for a moment, held my face, and looked me in the eyes.

"Elena, why did you do it?" He asked firmly. But we both were sobbing against each other, before I could answer. He pulled me back against his chest, and we held each other crying.

Then I was really hungry, my mouth was watering, Matt smelled really good.

I pushed him away, and ran to stand behind Caroline. It dawned upon everyone what had just happened, and the awkward silence of the century filled the room. Jeremy ushered Matt and Bonnie out of the room and I was left with Caroline.

"So…" Caroline was staring at the ground. "What are you gonna do?" she asked, looking back up at me.

"I don't know." I said, which was probably the most honest thing I had said today. Because I didn't.

I just didn't know.

"Jeremy, said that I shouldn't think-" I staggered into a sob. "I shouldn't take him into consideration, but I want to." Caroline rubbed my arm, comfortingly.

"I mean, I have to he's my brother, you know?" Caroline nodded and took my hand in hers. "I don't want to die, but I really, really don't want to be a vampire either. I mean it's so much to think about, 'cause I can't just leave every one, especially Jer. I mean, he's my little brother and your supposed to look out for your little brother. And Stefan and Damon, I mean what am I supposed to do about them? If I die now, then everything between them would just be left unresolved, and they might not ever be able to be brothers again, and I don't want all that on my shoulders."

Caroline gave an understanding nod and a silent appreciation, as she held my hand a little tighter. "I- I love them and I'll be damned if death is piece without all of you. But then again, living as a vampire, that would just… that would be hell all the same." She squeezed my hand, again.

"Elena, if I know you." She paused and returned her gaze to the floorboard. "I mean you would do anything for Jeremy. And don't take this the wrong way, but I know you would do the same for Stefan… and Damon." She sighed reluctantly. I knew where she and Damon stood. "You are the most selfless person I know, and if I were trying to speed things up, I would say there is only one conclusion you'll arrive at. We can't live without you, we need you, Elena. And without you, we would fall apart; in the end we all know that you won't let that happen. 'Cause you just care too damn much." She finished, blinking back tears of her own. I thought about what she said, and I knew she was right. I loved them all too much, and I could never leave them behind. I got up from bed and headed downstairs.


End file.
